Friday, February 22, 2013
1) PUT THE COFFEE DOWN BEFORE READING.....failing to do so may result in choking, spewing, sloshing of your liquid sanity....should this occur immediately yell run to all around you so they may live to see another day.
2) I am a coffee-loving insomniac and on occasion I allow the twisted, sleep-deprived brain cells and voices out of their cells. This usually leads to off the wall blog posts such as A DAY WITHOUT COFFEE-part I & II ... both of which are the result of twisted brain cells & the voices; The following posts are a compilation of my personal coffee addiction and that of several others who share the blood type JAVA-HIGH-OCTANE with me
3) Please feel free to share them with friends...give someone you know a much needed laugh...and yes, this twisted mind will be cranking out many more such rants/posts in the near future
NEVER EVER RUN OUT OF COFFEE....to do so may result in the unleashing of THE BEASTIE!!!!!
Every day millions of sleep-deprived, running on fumes-desperately in need of a shower, Moms to whom actually getting to pee or poop without children banging on the door, pets shoving paws up under the door trying to get in, and the ones that race Mom to the bathroom to prevent her from closing the door, for just a few minutes of privacy to relieve herself...those Lil demon spawn & nosy cats or dogs almost always manage to get in before she can close the door.....pour huge and multiple cups and/or pots of coffee that is the ELIXIR OF SANITY they fill their cups with the highly caffeinated, dark-roasted nectar we call coffee in hopes of vanquishing THE BEASTIE that exists in the deep, dark, vengeful, anger filled recesses of her very soul....
She is stronger than several dozen men, has the ability to complete a 3 page single spaced list of chores and errands while herding the lil demon spawn to and from school, to 3 different after school activities while keeping the younger siblings under control. She maintains the home, all the housework is her mantle, the 3 ton burden that she carries everyday with a smile upon her face...she greets her significant other when her comes home from work---but not before he has spent a minimum of at least 2 hours hanging out with his friends to unwind from his stressful job....mind you he has NOT accomplished nor has he completed as many nor as complex & difficult tasks as she already had before lunchtime...YET...that man comes in, grumbling cuz the kids are fighting, the food is cold, then he has the nerve to point out that she did not finish the dishes......He is not a very smart being is he?
SHE IS A MOMMY....and what exactly is his super power???....You may ask What is her Kryptonite, ...but are you brave enough to learn the answer to this question??? If so...then keep reading: however her kryptonite while crippling her sweet smile and walk away attitude..it also unleashes horrors way beyond any tortures that the DEVIL himself could ever dream up! NEVER ALLOW THE FOLLOWING TO OCCUR to do so is to Unleash The Fury of the BEASTIE!!
1) never run out of coffee.
2) ALWAYS have an emergency plan complete with the funds and/or transportation to buy more IIMMEDIATELY !!
3) Should you fail to heed #1 & #2..... GET OUT, GET AS FAR AWAY FROM HER AS YOU CAN FAST!!!! RUN, RUN NOW, DON'T LOOK BACK, JUST RUN!!!
THE COMPLETE LACK OF COFFEE & OR MEANS TO SECURE THE NEEDED CAFFEINATED ELIXIR THAT KEEPS A MOMMY SANE AND ALL OTHERS SAFE IN OUR PRESENCE BODES ILL FOR ALL LIVING BEINGS!!
Thus begins her transformation; witnessed as if in slow motion, her lightening quick descent into the Hellish Abyss of THE TRULY DAMNED is said to have caused instant insanity at the very sight of this horrendous event; For now She must face the greatest battle of her life...the battle within, the struggle to refrain from unleashing Her Demonically Possessed Inner Beastie: It lives deep within the darkest rage fueled regions of her very soul, This very battle wages deep within millions of Mommies the world over up to as many as several thousand times each day, she fights this battle within while she smiles at the ass-hat that cuts in the drop-off pick-up line at her child's school, or while the mechanic tries to tell her that her tranny is slipping out of gear because it needs to be replaced and will cost several hundred $ when SHE KNOWS DAMNED WELL that the linkage just needs to be adjusted....the kids will not shut up even for 2 seconds of the day, the boss is an overbearing ass but she smiles and nods as if every time he opens his PIE-HOLE he spews an intelligent & comprehendable sentence or thought.....YES these and many other occurrences may trigger the unthinkable-- For during a caffeine deficient moment of weakness even the worst terrors in HELL will resemble HEAVEN for the BEASTIE within is said to have bare-handedly, w/the rage of a thousand psychotic, under-appreciated yet over-worked and over-loaded Mommies, in blood-bath like fashion, maimed, dismembered, and/or killed anyone unlucky enough to find themselves within a mile of her.
BUT WHAT COULD BE EVEN WORSE THAN THIS????...That would be sending the Hubs/boyfriend/significant other to the grocery store where-*ominous music plays* He commits the ULTIMATE HORROR....upon returning from shopping the simple minded idiot proceeds to release a brain-fart of epic proportions...without remorse and if he has a death-wish; with an annoyed tone or outright defiance, the JACK ASS dares to utter one or both of the following phrases:
1) "Oh, (chuckling) I guess I forgot to buy your coffee."
2) "Why don't you just have a cup of tea instead?"
Thus sealing his fate...he has now enraged the BEASTIE and will surely endure his own horrifyingly brutal and bloody demise, according to un-confirmed reports and legends told & re-told from one generation to the next through out the history of "HUMAN-KIND", the Java-Deprived Beastie has been known to have effected complete annihilation of her said Significant Other's nether region with her bare hands, a butcher knife, scissors, any sharp object close at hand including but not limited to a dull rusty shard of metal, perhaps a rusty soda can, a GINSU KNIFE...it matters not to her the weapon she uses as she joyfully shreds him. For she takes pleasure in knowing that when she is done....he will shall never again salute the rising sun with the now mangled, somewhat pureed looking lil soldier he once proudly referred to as "STAFF SARGENT STIFFY JOHNSON"(or one of their other million idiotic nicknames for it)....instead ... THE BEASTIE will do 1 of 2 things with it....either shove it down his throat or up his ass :)~...hee hee...
...and when this terrifying, tragic day comes to pass; MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON THOSE AROUND HER!! For all texting/talking ~n~ driving~but not paying attention to the road, signs, traffic lights, or other cars TWAT-WAFFLES, the annoying/criminally stupid/should-have been locked away @ birth ASS-HATS that dare to cross her path shall feel the wrath of the coffee-deprived BEASTIE, for she walks the path of the Damned!!!!
THIS TRAGICALLY BLASPHEMOUS OCCURRENCE WILL SURELY CAUSE BLOODSHED, PANIC, & MAYHEM, !!! NO BEING IS SAFE....ONLY A LARGE TO-GO CUP OF "THE HIGHEST OCTANE, JUST ONE SNIFF WILL WAKE YOU UP " COFFEE held in your out-stretched hands upon approaching her will cause said BEASTIE to vanish faster than you can blink....so heed this warning....and never break the Golden Rule of Coffee:
"THOU SHALT NOT EVER... EVER... EVER, RUN OUT OF COFFEE!!!
You, my friends, family, ....and even my enemies can relax....Your lives are not in any (lack of coffee induced)danger....I have taken the solemn vow....I will at all times keep in stock a minimum of at least 10 lbs of coffee, I do & will always strive to re-stock at this point....BUT....YES I SAID BUT!!!....should the day come to pass when I find myself without coffee....my Lil Sister lives on the road behind me and she ALWAYS has a minimum of 5 or more 5lb cans of coffee...lol...so Y'all are safe :)
Yesterday IT HAPPENED!!! I ran out of coffee....Y'all are alive cuz my Lil SIS saved your ASSES when she gave me a can of coffee to get me through the BEASTIE BATTLE ROYALE....please be sure to show your undying gratitude to her ASAP :)