My Life With Kids ~n~ Chaos

Friday, February 22, 2013

"A DAY WITH NO COFFEE"-Part II: HELL HATH NO FURY AS VENGEFUL AS A MOMMY WITHOUT HER COFFEE~

DISCLAIMER:
1)     PUT THE COFFEE DOWN BEFORE READING.....failing to do so may result in choking, spewing, sloshing of your liquid sanity....should this occur immediately yell run to all around you so they may live to see another day.

2)     I am a coffee-loving insomniac and on occasion I allow the twisted, sleep-deprived brain cells and voices out of their cells. This usually leads to off the wall blog posts such as A DAY WITHOUT COFFEE-part I & II ... both of which are the result of twisted brain cells & the voices; The following posts are a compilation of my personal coffee addiction and that of several others who share the blood type JAVA-HIGH-OCTANE with me
3)    Please feel free to share them with friends...give someone you know a much needed laugh...and yes, this twisted mind will be cranking out many more such rants/posts in the near future

NEVER EVER RUN OUT OF COFFEE....to do so may result in the unleashing of THE BEASTIE!!!!!
Every day millions of sleep-deprived, running on fumes-desperately in need of a shower, Moms to whom actually getting to pee or poop without children banging on the door, pets shoving paws up under the door trying to get in, and the ones that race Mom to the bathroom to prevent her from closing the door, for just a few minutes of privacy to relieve herself...those Lil demon spawn & nosy cats or dogs almost always manage to get in before she can close the door.....pour huge and multiple cups and/or pots of coffee that is the ELIXIR OF SANITY they fill their cups with the highly caffeinated, dark-roasted nectar we call coffee in hopes of vanquishing THE BEASTIE that exists in the deep, dark, vengeful, anger filled recesses of her very soul....
She is stronger than several dozen men, has the ability to complete a 3 page single spaced list of chores and errands while herding the lil demon spawn to and from school, to 3 different after school activities while keeping the younger siblings under control. She maintains the home, all the housework is her mantle, the 3 ton burden that she carries everyday with a smile upon her face...she greets her significant other when her comes home from work---but not before he has spent a minimum of at least 2 hours hanging out with his friends to unwind from his stressful job....mind you he has NOT accomplished nor has he completed as many nor as complex & difficult tasks as she already had before lunchtime...YET...that man comes in, grumbling cuz the kids are fighting, the food is cold, then he has the nerve to point out that she did not finish the dishes......He is not a very smart being is he?
SHE IS A MOMMY....and what exactly is his super power???....You may ask What is her Kryptonite, ...but are you brave enough to learn the answer to this question??? If so...then keep reading: however her kryptonite while crippling her sweet smile and walk away attitude..it also unleashes horrors way beyond any tortures that the DEVIL himself could ever dream up! NEVER ALLOW THE FOLLOWING TO OCCUR to do so is to Unleash The Fury of the BEASTIE!!

1) never run out of coffee.
2) ALWAYS have an emergency plan complete with the funds and/or transportation to buy more IIMMEDIATELY !!
3) Should you fail to heed #1 & #2..... GET OUT, GET AS FAR AWAY FROM HER AS YOU CAN FAST!!!! RUN, RUN NOW, DON'T LOOK BACK, JUST RUN!!!
THE COMPLETE LACK OF COFFEE & OR MEANS TO SECURE THE NEEDED CAFFEINATED ELIXIR THAT KEEPS A MOMMY SANE AND ALL OTHERS SAFE IN OUR PRESENCE BODES ILL FOR ALL LIVING BEINGS!!
Thus begins her transformation; witnessed as if in slow motion, her lightening quick descent into the Hellish Abyss of THE TRULY DAMNED is said to have caused instant insanity at the very sight of this horrendous event; For now She must face the greatest battle of her life...the battle within, the struggle to refrain from unleashing Her Demonically Possessed Inner Beastie: It lives deep within the darkest rage fueled regions of her very soul, This very battle wages deep within millions of Mommies the world over up to as many as several thousand times each day, she fights this battle within while she smiles at the ass-hat that cuts in the drop-off pick-up line at her child's school, or while the mechanic tries to tell her that her tranny is slipping out of gear because it needs to be replaced and will cost several hundred $ when SHE KNOWS DAMNED WELL that the linkage just needs to be adjusted....the kids will not shut up even for 2 seconds of the day, the boss is an overbearing ass but she smiles and nods as if every time he opens his PIE-HOLE he spews an intelligent & comprehendable sentence or thought.....YES these and many other occurrences may trigger the unthinkable-- For during a caffeine deficient moment of weakness even the worst terrors in HELL will resemble HEAVEN for the BEASTIE within is said to have bare-handedly, w/the rage of a thousand psychotic, under-appreciated yet over-worked and over-loaded Mommies, in blood-bath like fashion, maimed, dismembered, and/or killed anyone unlucky enough to find themselves within a mile of her.

BUT WHAT COULD BE EVEN WORSE THAN THIS????...That would be sending the Hubs/boyfriend/significant other to the grocery store where-*ominous music plays* He commits the ULTIMATE HORROR....upon returning from shopping the simple minded idiot proceeds to release a brain-fart of epic proportions...without remorse and if he has a death-wish; with an annoyed tone or outright defiance, the JACK ASS dares to utter one or both of the following phrases:
1)   "Oh, (chuckling) I guess I forgot to buy your coffee."
2)   "Why don't you just have a cup of tea instead?"
Thus sealing his fate...he has now enraged the BEASTIE and will surely endure his own horrifyingly brutal and bloody demise, according to un-confirmed reports and legends told & re-told from one generation to the next through out the history of "HUMAN-KIND", the Java-Deprived Beastie has been known to have effected complete annihilation of her said Significant Other's nether region with her bare hands, a butcher knife, scissors, any sharp object close at hand including but not limited to a dull rusty shard of metal, perhaps a rusty soda can, a GINSU KNIFE...it matters not to her the weapon she uses as she joyfully shreds him. For she takes pleasure in knowing that when she is done....he will shall never again salute the rising sun with the now mangled, somewhat pureed looking lil soldier he once proudly referred to as "STAFF SARGENT STIFFY JOHNSON"(or one of their other million idiotic nicknames for it)....instead ... THE BEASTIE will do 1 of 2 things with it....either shove it down his throat or up his ass :)~...hee hee...
...and when this terrifying, tragic day comes to pass; MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON THOSE AROUND HER!! For all texting/talking ~n~ driving~but not paying attention to the road, signs, traffic lights, or other cars TWAT-WAFFLES, the annoying/criminally stupid/should-have been locked away @ birth ASS-HATS that dare to cross her path shall feel the wrath of the coffee-deprived BEASTIE, for she walks the path of the Damned!!!!
THIS TRAGICALLY BLASPHEMOUS OCCURRENCE WILL SURELY CAUSE BLOODSHED, PANIC, & MAYHEM, !!! NO BEING IS SAFE....ONLY A LARGE TO-GO CUP OF "THE HIGHEST OCTANE, JUST ONE SNIFF WILL WAKE YOU UP " COFFEE held in your out-stretched hands upon approaching her will cause said BEASTIE to vanish faster than you can blink....so heed this warning....and never break the Golden Rule of Coffee:
"THOU SHALT NOT EVER... EVER... EVER, RUN OUT OF COFFEE!!!

PS....
You, my friends, family, ....and even my enemies can relax....Your lives are not in any (lack of coffee induced)danger....I have taken the solemn vow....I will at all times keep in stock a minimum of at least 10 lbs of coffee, I do & will always strive to re-stock at this point....BUT....YES I SAID BUT!!!....should the day come to pass when I find myself without coffee....my Lil Sister lives on the road behind me and she ALWAYS has a minimum of 5 or more 5lb cans of coffee...lol...so Y'all are safe :)
PSS...
Yesterday IT HAPPENED!!! I ran out of coffee....Y'all are alive cuz my Lil SIS saved your ASSES when she gave me a can of coffee to get me through the BEASTIE BATTLE ROYALE....please be sure to show your undying gratitude to her ASAP :)

Thursday, January 17, 2013

A DAY WITH NO COFFEE????....BLASPHEMY!!!!! Part 1

Saturday, June 2, 2012

"I don't wanna go to school", Spit-up, poop, & the great shoe hunt

We have all had "those" mornings, the morning from HELL. Thursday was one of those "I just want to go back to bed, pull the blankets up over my head, and have a DO-OVER.
My mornings begin at 5 a.m. I wake up half an hour before I have to get Mr. Grumplestilskin up for school...he is 12 and in the 6th grade. I use this 30 minutes of "ME" time to drink as much coffee as I can to wake myself up I sit here in silence, enjoying it as I know those evil lil demons of mine will destroy it soon.
I must have hit the snooze button one too many times this morning, because I woke up at 5:58 a.m. ....CRAP!!! I jump up, rush to Mr. G.'s room "Wake up, I over-slept! You have 27 minutes to get up, dressed, eat, brush your teeth and get out the door." Needless to say the Grumple-miester did not disappoint me....Grumbling and moving slower than molasses on a sub-zero day in January, he goes about getting ready, I go for coffee only to discover that I forgot to program the machine last night...GGGRRRRR!!! Mr. G can't find his shoes, wants Mom to get him his cereal while he is searching...ummm hello?? I can't even find the patience to wait for my coffee!!
So I get his cereal, he actually gets out the door on time...I still have not had my coffee...and cue my 11 month old grandson's wailing....I babysat both him and his 3 yr old brother to give my daughter a break overnight to actually get some sleep. So it is now 6:30, I get him his bottle, change his diaper and in toddles the 3 yr old....get his cereal, still have not had my coffee, must wake up my 10 yr old mini me...."No Mommy, I have a 5 minute nap" GGRRRR...fine...I finally get my 1st cup off coffee....crap it's 7 a.m. now...she won't get out of bed!!
"I DON'T WANNA GO TO SCHOOL!!"...and the battle has begun...I had to physically dress her myself, then told her to get her shoes on while I get her cereal.....
5 minutes later I ask her "Why don't you have your shoes on??"....."I can't find them."
"The Great Shoe Hunt is on".....it is now 7:58, I still have to get the11 month old and the 3 yr old dressed, find her shoes, brush her hair---the tangled mass of golden tresses from HELL, get her to brush her teeth, ...crap where is 3 yr old's shoes??? and get out the door by 8:20 to make it to the bus stop on time....@ 8:16 I find both pairs of shoes hidden under her dresser...she says "But I DON'T WANNA GO TO SCHOOL"...lol....I am really trying not to lose it here but GGRRRR....
At 8:24 we get out the door, as I am putting the 11 month old into the stroller....it happens...He spit up, "Linda Blair" style, projectile spit up of epic proportions right down the front of my shirt.....EEEWWWWW....I, gagging, wipe myself off as best as I can cuz I have no time to change, zip my hoodie all the way up so I don't have to smell it as I half jog-walk pushing the stroller with 3 yr old piggy-back style riding on my back and pulling snarky lil mini me along....I call the bus garage to have them alert the bus driver that I am running late please don't leave...mini me is the only pick up here as a special needs student...our normally 6 min. walk to bus stop turned 11 minute mad dash from Hell complete with non stop whining, bus driver had waited almost 5 minutes cuz she knows with my mini-me, morning sensory overload & meltdowns & hilarity are abundantly our norm :)
It was very chilly so my ears are hurting, I have ear infections in both...no wonder our lil ones cry so much...that shit hurts!!! I get back home with my Grandsons and before I can change my shirt and clean myself up??? The 11 month old craps his diaper...an explosion that escaped from each direction with a stench that rivaled the "Linda Blair" like spit up that I am still wearing...GGGRRRR
9:30 a.m. .....all is quiet- I have cleaned up the baby, cleaned up myself and changed my clothes and am finally having my 2nd cup of coffee of the morning....usually this would be the 2nd pot of coffee.
I hope Y'all have had an easier morning than I have :)

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

REDRUM ,RAGING VENT--TO ASSUME is to make and ASS of U not ME!!

We have all heard these ignorant comments an many much more insulting and vulgar ones on this subject right??

1) Wow, pregnant again, congratulations to me, YAY for all of us tax payers, yet another dependent to feed.
2) It's OK, you just sit there on your lazy ass getting food stamps, free medical care, and other assistance programs...While us honest, hard working people bust our asses just to barely scrape by.
3) "After the law is passed that these people get drug tested to get food stamps then hardly anyone will be clean enough to get them...I can't wait to see those people be forced to work and stop stealing my money for their drugs and baby mama drama shit"

******A fiend had shared this 50something 2-FACED, CRUEL CUNT'S DOUBLE STANDARD comments with me. Yes I wrote CUNT-*I call em as I see em.*****
(I felt my blood literally BOILING as I listened in stunned at the level of "Mean Girl", hateful and abusive behavior/treatment of a 30something Mom whose 9 yr old child witnessed this entire exchange)

The SCENE: mom & child at checkout counter-cart loaded with groceries for 2 weeks to feed a single mom's 3 kids and herself(dad was killed by drunk driver 3 months earlier) only approx. 1/3rd was the usual-meats, milk, cereal, side fixings & the remaining 2/3rds of the loaded cart was fresh fruits, veggies, leafy greens all the good stuff :) Then the nice but smelly 50something woman behind her in line asks:

4) "Do your children actually eat these fresh fruits and veggies or do you have to force them?" they love them, no force. to 9 yr old Tasha.."Your mommy is a smart shopper. She picked so many yummy, healthy fruits and veggies for you, @ mom " too many people don't teach their children to make healthy choices then we have to foot the bill for the fat little brats' medical care, it makes me so angry" That's when the "nice woman" transformed into the hateful CUNT- she saw the mom's food stamp card saying "Oh I see... you're a welfare mom, You're welcome by the way, You know what? I take it as a slap in my face that you people eat better than me. you should try to spend my tax dollars a little more frugally. Canned veggies and fruits are cheaper than all of that"...my friend started crying she was humiliated but the BITCH wasn't done yet...she spotted the one box of HoHos and said "Don't they prohibit you people from buying junk food on food stamps?...hmmmph, white trash with a black half kid" (WTF??????)that woman was very loud thru out this whole ordeal and thankfully another customer piped in "Carol, You know damned well you have never worked a day in your life! and your great grand daddy was black so shut up! Leave her alone...If anyone here is a lazy beggar it is you, and a few of us have wanted to tell you of for a long time you are not welcome at our poker night from here on in...and another thing...it was you sitting on your fat ass acting like the queen spending every penny Harold worked for to keep up with the Joneses your debt and you killed Harold he worked himself into the grave trying to pay off the mountains of debt you made." the cunt "CAROL" left her cart there and left the store but not before little 9yr old "T" kicked her in the shin calling her a bad mean bully...LMAO...I love that lil girl :)
A friend had recently posted that she is so sick of other people talking shit and making nasty comments about anyone who receives food stamps, medicaid, subsidized housing, government assistance.

It is sad that there are frauds that do milk the system and become career welfare families, but THEY ARE NOT A FAIR REPRESENTATION OF THE TYPICAL FAMILY TODAY THAT IS ON ASSISTANCE!!

then on a page that this issue was brought up on --I SNAPPED-blood boiling, REDRUM RAGE...the outright hatred and vicious way these "Ladies" had gone on the attack of a single mom of 3 whose youngest requires lot of medical care was the last straw....

WARNING** ADULT LANGUAGE, RAGE, VENT** WARNING...do not read any further until you set down your drink, finish chewing and swallow that snack..lol....I am too far away to effectively perform the Heimlich thingy...ENJOY :) This is my back broken by that last straw- rant:

**YES, I am on assistance, I am not ashamed to say I need help, I work part-time and as of June 11th will be going to College part-time too. I single parent a 12 yr old son w/Aspergers/ADHD, & a 10 yr old lower functioning autistic daughter with over a dozen other related and non related disorders on top of the ASD, she is mentally a 4-5 yr old in
a soon to be 11 yr old already hormonal puberty stricken body, she is my mini me...I do all this while living with my own disabilities--severe ADHD and Tourette's Syndrome with Coprolalia...this coprolalia causes me to swear
involuntarily the tourettes cause painful muscle spasms tics noises etc...So to all you HOLIER THAN THOU, I PAY FOR YOUR FOOD BS....I DO MORE IN THE 1st hr I am awake than Your lazy ass does all week!! Hell what I do in 1 week would take you months!! SO TO ALL YOU BUTTHURT WAHH WAHH MY TAXES, BLAH ,BLAH, BLAH, SUCK ON THIS!! You Skanky~Skunk~Assed,~Stankin',
AWWW HELL TO THE NO, FrumUnda Cheese-Encrusted, Blue~Twat-waffles that ain't yet been schooled in the fine art of shutting their Ass-Tarded, Ignorant Shit~Holes, yes the gaping sewer hole you are spewing your ignorance for all to see from...and since they have not yet learned how to control their over-inflated egos or how not to step in a huge, freshly Shat, still
steaming pile of cow shit, but are still too lazy to clean them nasty shit
covered hooves off before stuffing them into the Cavernous Cum Guzzling, Shit~Holes spewing that ignorant shit 'bout us BITCHES on assistance outta them asses or faces?? I ain't yet figured out if those Shit~Holes on them nasty
pimply covered things that are either their faces or their asses...whatever....I welcome anyone to dare to say that shit to my face...I may be small but I will take a bitch down and I will walk away intact...when the dust clears??....crap...I'ma gonna need a hundred or 2 lbs of cat litter to clean up what is left of that one...NEXT????

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Homemade Cat litter/room/carpet Deodorizer

Let's face it...LIFE STINKS!!
that having been said...the litter box is STINKY!!! I spent $5 on the citrus baking soda litter box deodorizer and it worked great....but they don't make it in any other scent!! So I bought several boxes of cheap, generic baking soda and several small bottles of different scented essential oils....Guess what??? I can get the same amount for less than $2 and depending on my mood use a different scent :()

1 clean, dry mason jar or even an old coo whip tub will do
1 box baking soda
10-15 drops of essential oil
1 nail
1 hammer
a small board/piece of 2x4 works great
1 large darning needle
scissors

1) Put the lid of jar or tub on the piece of wood and use the nail and hammer to poke holes into lid for sprinkling

Pour in the baking soda and add oil...just a few drops at a time til you get the desired strength of scent that you prefer. Put the lid on and shake...then open, sniff, add more oil if needed....

For the carpet just sprinkle this on a few minutes prior to vacuuming....keeps the whole room smelling clean and keeps you happy :)

OR....when putting the lid on the mason jar leave the insert out and using the fabric, cut out a circle but allow at least 1-2" larger than the lid of your jar or container, poke holes in it with a large darning needle, then put the outer ring of the jar over it and screw it on...or use a length of ribbon to tie on your fabric top...set in the room to freshen :)

Around the holidays I like to use clove oil :)